Drowning

When our butterflies don’t fly.

Save for the whispers that you heard, you actually didn’t, well, it’s something about her. Not that my heart skips a beat anymore. The rhythmic throbbing of my heart is now no longer inconsistent. My heart’s tides and waves no longer paint dark shades of tears. My heart and soul only blossom.  I still remember what you told me, the day I showed her to you, you talked, right?  And when she left seconds later, you said her face shined when you mentioned my name, a smile suddenly catches her and she cannot hold her happiness. And about me, well, you said “… she talks about you like you put the stars in the skies. She looks at you like that too.” and did I tell you, when I see her, phew, it’s just like a failed neuron-surgeon carried out a lobotomy on my head. I’m left paralyzed. Do you know why? See I never told you, well, I think she’s special too. BUT she doesn’t need anyone. Like that’s the thing. Even if we were together, she wouldn’t really belong to me. She doesn’t belong to anyone. She’s off in her own world. Last time we had an argument, well, she said…“you fell in love with my flowers but not with my roots, so when autumn arrived, you didn’t know what to do”. You see, sometimes you find yourself falling in love with someone who never sees the sunshine, and sees themselves as the rain. One of the hardest things you will ever have to do is grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.

 The other day, you say, her friend told you “…did she miss him? She wanted to lose herself in him. To tie her arms around him like a tourniquet. If she showed him how much she needed him, he’d run away”. But wait, how did you get to talk about me? I’ll need my answer later. So Long before all this came to happen, I already told you, of course I knew her, you see, she has a kind of beauty that calls out to you but you keep fighting to hold yourself back because just being in her presence is more than enough and you’ll never dare ask for anything more. Not me, you see, I lost this fight at first sight. I dared and asked for more. It was then that I fractured my own heart. Don’t ask why, I simply was always scared.  I could tell her things I never told myself. It was great at the very start. I mean, hands on each other, we couldn’t stand to be far apart. The other day, I’d to send her a note full of lyrics, about that day, when we met, and it read …I met you in the dark and you lit me up. You made me feel as though I was enough. We danced the night away and drank too much. I held your hair back when you were throwing up. Then you smiled over your shoulder. For a minute I was stone-cold sober. I pulled you closer to my chest. And you asked me stay over. I said, I already told you. I think that you should get some rest. I knew I loved you then. But you’d never know. I know I needed you. But I never showed. I want to stay with you until we’re grey and old. I wake you up with some breakfast in bed. I bring you coffee with a kiss on your head. Then take our kids to school and wave them goodbye. Then thank my lucky stars for that night. You see, for a minute I forget to say that you look as beautiful as ever. And I swear everyday you get better. And I, hope that you know, that your love is more than it’s worth in gold. We’ve come so far my dear and look how we’ve grown. I want to stay with you until we’re grey and old. I want to live with you even when we’re ghosts. ‘Cause you were always there for me when I needed you most. I’m going to love you till my lungs give out. I promise till death we part, just like in our vows. So I wrote this for you, to simply know that my heart is yours.

Today, all that is gone. It’s so cold, though the sun shines. My shadow wanders with its soul gone. Sometimes it’s like I’m drowning. My memory fades as my breath fails. I can only say that you are still my favorite yet most painful story to tell. And I think you’ll always be. One of the most bittersweet feelings has to be when you realize how much you are going to miss a moment while you’re still living it. Now that’s when our butterflies don’t fly.

                                                                                                                                    

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